October 5th, 1997 in the mid evening....
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When I was younger.... and only being 19, that puts my "younger" at about the pre-pubescent years, I always imagined myself as the one who would probably never marry. As I got older, this conviction seemed to get stronger. Was it because I was the ugly duckling? Nopers. Well, I wasn't ugly... just a bit misunderstood character-wise. Too bad all of that Generation X hype had to come along at a later date. I might have been considered cool.
Back to the marriage thing. I never saw myself hooking up with a guy for good. Nobody ever seemed to want to put up with me for long stretches of time, and let's face it. I have little patience when things don't go my way. Yeah, I know it's a bad thing that I'm so stubborn, but I'm working on that strange concept of compromise. Marriage or any sort of serious relationship never seemed to be in the cards for me. Was this devastating? Not really. I grew to accept it. I went in and out of relationships pretty quickly... either never getting serious, or getting serious way too fast. Then I'd usually panic and run. But that almost changed. As many of my net friends know, I met another net persona in real life this last summer. After knowing each other for about six months through monitors and phone lines, we met and really hit it off. It was fast, but I felt comfortable, believing I knew enough about him. After his whirlwind week visiting me, I made a weekend trip up to see him. My trip up to Michigan to meet him and his family had a bit of success, and a bit of failure. He managed to keep me away from anyone who knew him personally, saying they were all out of town for the Labor Day weekend. I was a bit depressed about that, but I got over it. After all, I visited my guy who could change it all for me. I could finally break the cycle of fizzled out relationships. We began planning for him to move in with me. Yes, again it was fast, and in retrospect, I wonder what made me so crazy. Maybe I thought that if I didn't give myself much time to think, I wouldn't mess things up again. But the best laid plans often are scrapped or changed... He had financial setbacks which kept on postponing his arrival. I dealt with it trying to be as patient as possible. He estimated his arrival to be at the beginning of October, but then mid-September came around. The date was set back to shortly after Thanksgiving, and I was dealing with it... All this time I kept thinking something wasn't right. He'd never get here, would he? Then I quit getting our daily emails. Even before we became involved, he would email me constantly. But then they dropped off altogether, and I didn't receive an email for a week. His email system wasn't broken either. He still kept in contact with other chat friends through this time... I began to wonder if I did something to upset him, but I couldn't think of anything. Then I noticed that his chat behavior towards me was changing too. If we were both online at the same time, he'd have somewhere to go, and quick. If someone asked about me, he'd change the subject. This went on for quite a few days before I did or said anything about it. After all, during this time I was leaving my job and writing a paper for a class. Finally when my schedule became a bit more clear, I tried to chat with him just last night. Obviously my frustrations showed through, and he made some remark that really angered me. I emailed him telling him how I felt, and just waited for a response. He finally emailed me and told me. He was applying for a good job in Michigan. It was one he considered himself qualified for. He also told me that he was nervous about moving this far, which is understandable. He wrote that he was sorry he hadn't said something sooner. He also wrote that he wouldn't blame me if I wanted to end our relationship. So I did. It's like I said. I just knew I'd end up alone. |
Mom does have good timing. I bottom out romance wise, yet again, and she brings me a bag of goodies with chocolates inside.
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